


How Far Gone

by Writerleft



Series: Comes Marching Home [21]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: F/F, Korrasami Month 2018, Pre-book 4, long distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-17 23:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16984185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerleft/pseuds/Writerleft
Summary: A woman sits alone in an Earth Kingdom bar. What's on her mind?Or perhaps, who?





	1. Locks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Korrasami Secret Santa Gift Exchange 2018! 
> 
> Prompt: I would be interested to see a fic about the day Asami wrote to Korra while she was away at the South Pole - where Asami was trying to decide whether or not to confess how she felt about Korra in the letter and what was going on in her head and her life that day 🙂
> 
> This is Turf-Wars complaint, too! Well, all the pre-March of Progress stories should be, but this one in particular I kept it in mind!

 

4:15 AM.

Out of bed.

Bathroom.

Brush teeth.

By 4:25, meet with her trainer.

30 minutes yoga, 30 minutes combat training.

Quick shower.

Makeup.

Breakfast and newspaper at 5:45.

Depart for work at 6:05.

Drive averages 35 minutes. As short as 30, as long as 50. Time to think. Want to or not.

Many days, it was too hard.

Memories: Fighting Equalists. Driving lessons. The only time she sat in her own passenger seat.

 _Korra was a terrible driver. She always got distracted_.

Deep breath. Not right now. Didn’t want to think about her, every time she drives.

_Then why did you paint your car to match her eyes?_

At work by 7:00. Tea waiting. Greet managers. Greet Tenni. Check daily schedule.

Meetings. Plan reviews. Proposals. Drafting. Starting a year ago, one hour lunch break, strictly enforced. Didn’t solve anything—but it did help. Tenni’s idea—she was always looking out for me.

_Who was looking out for Korra?_

Ridiculous thought. Katara, her parents, the whole Southern Tribe. What qualified Asami to be her nursemaid, assistant, caregiver?

_I needed to. I love her._

Lunch over. Back to work.

Stack of contracts. Sign and date. What date is it? She could never remember.

All the same.

They’re all the same.

Just get through it. Company needed her.

_All the same. Living stasis._

The city’s rebuilt. The company too.

 _At least Aang wasn’t conscious while he was frozen_. _At least he didn’t have to live his life, waiting for his time to arrive._

5:00. End of business. Not for her. So much to do.

Was there, really? Or was the goal to not go home? Just keep busy.

Always something new to do.

Always the same.

7:30. Finally head home. Dinner. Swimming, if she needs to clear her mind. Whiskey, if she needs it fogged.

9:00. Wash face, prepare for bed.

One last thing though—every evening.

Pen and paper. Writing around the words she wanted to say.

Some nights were revisions, some nights starting over. At least once a week, she finished one, sent it. Every detail of her life, except the one that ruled it.

After two years, no response.

_Always the same._

 

 

\--

 

 

Asami sat parked, frowning in her rear-view mirror. She didn’t know why.

Her hair was perfect—she’d really come to like this new style. Her makeup, as immaculate as always. Her dress, once she dusted it off, remained one of her most eye-catching, and it fit even better than she remembered.

So, why was she so unsettled? Was she nervous?

Asami snorted. Nervous. She was Asami Sato. This was just some nice architect Tenni had convinced her to go out with. Maybe she hadn’t been on a date in… literal years at this point. Even if she did consider her and Korra…

She sighed, and leaned back in the driver’s seat. Korra wasn’t here. Korra hadn’t _been_ there for two years. Asami had written letter after letter, and gotten word from Senna that Korra was walking and bending again, but still…

Korra had never written back. She wouldn’t let Asami help her recover, wouldn’t let Asami be part of her life…

How long was she supposed to wait? How long was she supposed to put her life on hold for a woman who probably didn’t even…

Asami got out of the car, leaving that thought behind. This was exactly why she’d give this Uruq guy a chance. Maybe he’s be great. Maybe he’d remind her how to smile, like she had, all those summers ago.

She went inside, was led to their table. Handsome enough man. Southerner. His hair was longer than Korra’s was, when she let it down.

Asami put on her boardroom face, the pleasant version. One might think it real. This was too soon to put her guard up, too early to detach herself, but even though this man looked nothing like Korra—not her eyes, not her face, not even quite the same skin tone—Asami couldn’t get the woman out of her mind.

Was that going to be what she learned, tonight? How trapped she was? That Korra had taken Asami’s heart south with her, and had it locked away?

She knew that already. On some level, she was aware, even if she’d never said the words. Who could she say them to?

Uruq was… nice. Pulled her chair out, but did not fawn over her femininity. Complimented her, but not obsequiously. He spoke of work, and his interests, and listened when Asami did the same. She would even go so far as to say that he was pleasant company… though she could not recall any particulars from their date to make her think so.

She tried to concentrate. She really did. But she found herself contemplating him as a job applicant, not as somebody to go on another date with.

She let him down easily at the end. Encouraged him to ask his boss for a raise, thanked him for the lovely evening, so sorry though, I don’t feel much spark. They shook hands.

Asami returned to her car. The thoughts of Korra was still there, waiting.

Why couldn’t she wish these feelings away? Why couldn’t she find some closure? Her professional life was thriving, but her personal life? That inner self that only those she trusted most ever got to see?

As she drove home, she wasn’t even disappointed. She’d said she’d try, and technically she had, but all she’d done was prove to herself just how far gone she truly was.    

She narrowed her eyes, tightened her grip on the wheel. How could she do this to herself? Why must she keep throwing good money after bad? She waited, and she hoped, and she found ways to keep Korra in her mind, in the whole _city’s_ mind.

But it didn’t bring her back.

Rededicating a park in her honor didn’t.

Lobbying for ramp access to public buildings didn’t.

Rebuilding the cultural center…

            …protecting the Spirit Wilds…

                        …having a park rededicated to her…

                                   …complete with a statue and all…

                                                …painting her own damned car blue…

…and Korra was still gone.

Asami didn’t believe in soulmates. At least, she hadn’t. Love could not exist in a vacuum, after all. Emotions had to be nurtured, connections had to be maintained. Surely, enough time and distance, and even the deepest crush would wear off?

She crossed her arms on the steering wheel, resting her head against it. Was that all she could hope for, now? To fall _out_ of love? Had she really given up on Korra, after only two years?

_Only two years… that’s nearly ten percent of your life spent pining, for a woman who doesn’t even acknowledge it._

Of course, how _could_ Korra acknowledge Asami’s love when Asami had never told her about it?

She started the engine, pointed the car toward home. _Should_ she tell Korra how she feels?

_Now? After all this time? How pathetic would that sound._

It was not as if an earlier time had made more sense. Right after Korra had been injured, she had to focus on herself—Asami couldn’t have asked then. And she was still recovering now, but maybe she was recovered enough to consider…

_What? Somebody she hasn’t seen in two years?_

They’d been getting along well. _Very_ well. So what if they’d been apart now longer than they’d been together…

_She was only your friend. No more. She’s back home now. Republic City was never her place._

Being sequestered and lonely in the South again was? Asami _knew_ Korra had to hate that. She _knew_ how lonely Korra must be, even without hearing from Senna.

If only Korra knew how Asami felt…

Asami arrived home without any memory of driving. The date was fading fast, while two year old echoes of Korra’s smile remained.

9:00. Wash face, prepare for bed. Back into her routine.

Except…

She sat in her nightgown, and her pen moved on its own.

 

_Dear Korra,_

_I miss you._

_Life goes on and the city continues, but the only constant in my life these past two years is the painful absence you’ve left in it._

She had to tell her.

 

_Maybe you’ve seen the words so many times they don’t even register anymore. I miss you. I miss you so damned much._

She needed Korra to know.

_Knowing you’re still hurting breaks my heart. I feel so guilty, living my life in this city you saved without you here beside me. I miss you. My life was so much better when you were in it._

Maybe if Korra knew, if she understood…

_But here’s the thing, Korra, here’s the truth that I’ve held close for all these years. Every time I’ve said I ‘miss’ you, the word I’ve really meant to say was ‘love.’_

Maybe, if she knew she was needed…

 

_I’m in love with you, Korra. I love you and I miss you and I miss us and I need you in my life again. Even if you don’t love me back, I need you in my life again._

And there… there was the rub.

Two years later, how must this sound? Out of nowhere, a confession like this?

Asami needed Korra in her life. Lover, friend, starting all over—Asami needed her back.

But what if Korra didn’t feel the same way?

What if… what if, reading this, knowing how deeply Asami felt for her, knowing what Asami wanted of her… what if that scared her away?

 _Then she might_ never _see Korra again._

Asami covered her lips with both hands, looking at the letter again, imagined Korra reading the letter. Imagined Korra shocked, at the suddenness of it, the randomness of it. Her friend Asami, professing love, while she was still focused on recovering? How needy. How selfish.

Asami picked up the letter, fingers trembling. Maybe it wouldn’t be that way. Maybe Korra loved her back, maybe the encouragement would bring her home sooner. Maybe…

Maybe, if she truly loved her, she could give Korra the time she needed to put herself together.

Yes, Asami was suffering, but the last time she’d seen Korra, she was broken in a wheelchair.

Compared to that…

_Compared to that, what’s a little more heartache?_

Asami tore the letter in half.

_What’s another month?_

In quarters.

_What’s another year?_

She shredded the paper to bits and tossed them in the trash.

Asami loved Korra.

And because of that… she’d go on missing her as long as she had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the chapters were written in the opposite order, but flipped them to make more sense. There isn't really a causal relationship between the two, but it's smoother this way!


	2. Keys

Korra had no idea how far she’d gone. 

From Southern tundra to the Tree of Time to Fire Nation volcanoes to the Si Wong desert… how far had she run? 

What was she running towards? What was she running from? Was there even a difference, any longer? 

Tonight, she’d found herself in a bar--one she might’ve called seedy, before seeing dozens just like it all over the Earth Kingdom. She’d just emerged from the desert, and was descending to the bottom of the cheapest drink available. 

She was a long way from home. A long way from herself. 

The tumbler empty, she sat it on the bar, beside the brass ring of keys she’d brought with her out of the desert. 

She was a long way from where she wanted to be. 

Korra picked up the ring, the keys rattling against each other as they shifted. She hadn’t found Raava, she hadn’t escaped that vision of herself that had sent her running, before countless miles had worn even that sense of purpose out of her. 

But she’d found wreckage of a certain Earth Kingdom airship. 

It could’ve been a coincidence. The Earth Queen didn’t spend money on maintenance, Cabbage Corp ships were shoddy… there was no way, nearly three years later, she’d found her way to the same spot. 

No way these were the keys Asami had spun on her finger, smirking as she broke Korra free. 

Korra had been imprisoned. Immobile. It had taken Asami to get her out. 

Then, when she was a prisoner in her own body… 

Korra tapped the counter, ordering another drink. The stuff tasted like airship fuel, but it numbed her mind nearly as well as it numbed her taste buds. It left a nasty aftertaste on both, but that was something for Future Korra to deal with.

Not that Future Korra had much going for her, either. 

Asami had been so beautiful that day. Shoving herself free of the wall with only the power of her thighs, hopping over the bar while in handcuffs to show off she was just as flexible as she was strong… even if Asami hadn’t taken charge, Korra would’ve been speechless and staring. 

For months, they were close to inseparable. Now, nearly three years later, she felt like she should be able to turn around and find her there, smiling, beautiful. Ready to share a joke or join in a fight. 

Instead, if Korra turned, the only face she was likely to see was her own. Silent, ominous, accusing. 

She’d sent Asami a letter--one measly letter, in return for years of messages. Where Bolin and Mako’s had dropped off, Asami’s had held steady--Korra didn’t know what she’d have done if Asami’s had slowed down, too. Was she sending letters still? She wouldn’t even know the difference. 

Korra had sent one letter, but written so many more. Words she couldn’t share, not with Katara, not with her parents… not, in the end, even with Asami. How hopeless she felt. How alone. How, even as her strength and independence returned, her body felt alien. Whose body had she taken? Was that apparition that followed her its original owner? 

Maybe Korra should give up, and let the apparition have it back. 

She sighed, took another swig, looked around the bar. A man at the far end had been making eyes at her--not like she recognized Korra. Who would? Not in a threatening way--that had happened enough times for her to recognize, too. It was the sort of look that wondered if Korra was looking for a good time that night. Something short and distracting and hollow.

She’d thought about it. A chance, a brief moment maybe, to trick herself into feeling something. Anything. At the worst, it might get somebody else to pay her tab. 

But no. Maybe it was the last embers of her self-respect, maybe it was the part of her that hoped and worried that Asami Sato, dearest, most beautiful Asami Sato, loved her as much as Korra loved Asami. That, in another life, where Zaheer had never brought his poison into the world or into her body, they would have gone on as before, getting closer and closer until…

Korra grunted, quickly downing the rest of her liquor. None of that was real. Korra wasn’t sure she even trusted the parts that actually had happened. Was her memory lying to her, pretending joy was possible? Giving her the false hope that she might deserve it? 

It must be. She was seeing things that weren’t there, why not remember things that didn’t happen? Was it more likely that Korra was delusional, or that Asami Sato, brilliant and beautiful Asami Sato, even liked women at all? Much less a foolish, arrogant failure like her. All Korra had had going for her was being the Avatar. Take that out… 

And you were left with a miserable woman, alone in a bar at the bottom of her second glass. Or was it third, now?

The world deserved better. Asami deserved better. 

Of course, Asami  _ made _ her better. Kinder. Smarter. Korra would do anything to see her smile one more time. On the boat, on her way to Republic City, when she’d fooled herself into thinking she was ready to return, she was playing through their reunion in her mind. What would she think? What would she say? Would be be surprised? Would she smile? Would it be a real smile, or a polite one, as she tried to figure the situation out?

She’d probably make Korra feel at home. Wherever they stood with each other, Asami was nothing if not courteous, kind. She wouldn’t ask why Korra hadn’t written more. Heck, she might not even ask where Korra had been. She’d ask if Korra was okay. Probably more than once, to make sure. Asami was thorough like that. 

Korra would have a ton of questions too. Asami’s letters had kept her up to date with all of her projects, but she hadn’t read one in months. What was she doing right now, this moment, half the continent away? What was she working on? What was her favorite project? How were things in Republic City? How were things in her life? Did she see much of Bolin or Mako? 

Was she seeing anyone else? 

Korra resisted the urge to top off her glass--she had to find somewhere to sleep tonight, and doing so full-on drunk wasn’t the best idea. But the idea of Asami with someone else… after all they’d been through together…

Hopefull, she was. After all this time, what else was Asami supposed to do?. She deserved to be happy. Korra kept moving, kept trying to find new ways to fight the emptiness within herself, to fight the voices, to fight that vision, to fight the fear and the pain and the nightmares, but she knew…

Deep down, she knew she wasn’t ever making it back. 

Why did she keep fighting? What was the point? Every hope she’d chased after had been dashed--how much longer could she keep fighting? 

She looked at the keys.  

Asami staged that entire breakout not for her own sake, but for Korra’s. 

She was in the Earth Kingdom to begin with for Korra. 

She’d had Korra’s back while fighting, but emotionally, too. 

Whether or not Asami loved her back, she was her best friend. 

Korra spun the keys on her finger, like Asami had when sauntering through the door to their cell. An unfamiliar feeling came over her, and she realized--

She was smiling. 

Korra wouldn’t be alive today if not for her friends, especially Asami. Asami had been hurt, too. She’d lost a lot. Everything. But she kept fighting. Kept surviving. 

Korra wasn’t sure if she could do that, on her own. 

But for Asami…

She grabbed the spinning ring, holding on to it tight. 

Asami had invested a lot of time and effort--and love, yes. Platonic or otherwise, Asami clearly cared for Korra, even when she couldn’t care for herself. 

Korra found that, the rest of the world aside, Asami Sato was one person she could not allow herself to disappoint. 

She pulled money from her pocket to pay the barkeep, then stashed the keys. She was going to give those to Asami someday. One bright spot in her future, yet--even if it came from her past. 

Either way, it was something to keep her going in the present. 


End file.
